I hit puberty relatively late at the age of 14. Due to being anorexic at the time I didn’t develop properly and always hated my breasts and nipples. The internet wasn’t readily available then and I didn’t know anything about mammary glands, that I would be able to feel them under the skin or that they would be hard. I spent the longest time thinking I had cancer or that there was something very very wrong with me. This alongside body dysmorphia and depersonalisation left me with a very estranged relationship with my physical form.
As I grew older and started to understand more about my gender I realised I was non-binary. It started to feel increasingly unfair that my ‘female’ nipples were sexualised along side being demonised. I have never felt sexually or emotionally connected to that part of my body and I did not ever plan on becoming a mother. I didn’t like the way they looked or felt, I couldn’t find a reason for having them. This led me to search out someone who would surgically remove them for me. After researching and talking to both plastic surgeons and body modifiers I chose a body modifier who agreed to do it for me. Plastic surgeons had refused me and I felt that the body modification expert I went to was the absolute right person.
I spent a lot of time before hand making sure this was the absolute right thing. I mentally counted the reasons for and against and all the reason against were to do with what other people would think. You will never reach self acceptance if you live your life appeasing other people, you will never truly become your self. You have to do what is right by you and only you can decide what that is.
I thought a lot after having my nipples removed about what I wanted to do with them. I considered preserving them in some way, be that through tanning, wet preserve like formaldehyde or setting them in resin. Now of these really made sense to me. One of my issues with them was always that I didn't like the way they looked so I didn't want to them have them preserved like that forever. I also found the idea that they may essentially outlive me and become the property of another person really unsettling. I wanted to own them completely but in a transformative way where we both moved on together as one but changed. This is why I decided to eat them.
I am a vegan and haven't eaten meat in years. This I found interesting when people displayed disgust at the idea of me eating them. it wasn't harvested off an unwilling party, there was no pain or suffering, I knew exactly where they had been and what they had been through. We had been together my whole life. Ethically you cant do better then eating your own meat.
I never disliked the taste of meat, in fact I loved the taste of it but not the morality. I didn't feel any disgust about the idea of eating them except when considering cooing them which is why I decided to keep them raw. I just had a slight fear that I would become instinctively repulsed when I tried and maybe my body would reject it. In fact they tasted amazing, the closest thing I could use as an example of the taste would be rare steak. It just felt very natural and normal, it wasn't weird at all.
I feel honestly very proud of myself for doing this and happy with my choices and how I went about it. Body autonomy to this extreme has been so liberating and just a fuck you in the face of societal standards. I feel like I am my own self made animal and I love that animal. I am the beast I worship.